At some point in time, in America, there was a popular saying "if it feels good, do it"... I can't recall exactly when this was, but I think it was the early 70's.
Anyway, this saying infiltrated the culture in all kinds of ways. People had posters, bumper stickers, t-shirts, all kinds of things with this saying on it. It justified a lot of things. Anything and everything was acceptable as long as it "felt good to you".
It's obvious looking at materialistic society what the problem with this concept is of course.
However, this concept also infiltrates spiritual life in a more subtle way. People get the idea that it's perfectly fine to make certain that they are always "feeling good" about everything that goes on with their spiritual life.
If you only do the things in devotional service that you "feel good" doing, and you only associate with the devotees that make you "feel good" when you are around them, and you only read or pay attention to the aspects of scripture that make you "feel good" when you read them, there's a problem with your spiritual life.
The problem is that while Krishna consciousness is certainly blissful and there are lots of things to feel good about, it is still a process of purification. We are in need of purifying our consciousness. Yes, the soul itself is perfectly pure, but it's in a dirty, covered over state.
Srila Prabhupad has compared this to a diamond, covered by dirt and needing to be cleaned in order to see it's true beauty.
So, all this covering, this contamination, that has been there for so many lifetimes, has to be cleansed away. If you want to see the true beauty of the diamond, you cannot allow the dirt to remain.
When you start clearing and cleansing away dirt, it's not usually a very beautiful thing. Anyone who's ever had to clean anything that has been neglected for a while knows this. The dirt can often seem to be more dirty as you start trying to remove it, than when it's just sitting there and nothing is stirring it up.
It's the same thing spiritually. As you start to make progress in spiritual life, there is going to be some "clearing" occurring. There will be "dirt" that comes up in your heart, in your consciousness. You have to be willing to look at these things, and willing to allow them to be cleared away if you want to make progress.
Therefore, it does not benefit you to "insulate" your false ego, and mind and senses, from this spiritual purification by eliminating all the things in spiritual life that don't "make you feel good".
If you only associate with devotees who make you "feel good" and you only read (or pay attention to) the aspects of scripture that make you "feel good" about yourself, you are running the risk of reinforcing your own ego based concepts and illusions with spiritual information.
Spiritual advancement requires a lot of honest introspection and willingness to look at our own faults and fallacies and imperfections, and then be ready and willing to clear them out, let go of them. It's a good place to practice detachment from our own false ego (false concepts of ourselves).
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Sing Like You Mean It
I saw a movie one time that was the life story of the great American singer, Johnny Cash. Almost everyone knows who Johnny Cash is because he is so famous. Johnny Cash (1932-2003) is considered to be one of the most influential American musicians of the 20th century.
This movie about his life told the story of the event that occurred that changed him from being just another mediocre gospel singer, one of thousands, into the legend that he became.
He was a musician, he had talent. He was singing gospel songs. Songs about faith, songs about Jesus. But he was broke, and had a wife to support, and was getting no where. So, he decided to put more effort into trying to sell his songs, and get them made into records.
He went to a record producer, trying to interest him in making a record. He was very persistent, and practically refused to accept the man saying no to hearing him sing. He convinced his way into the man's recording studio through sheer determination. The man agreed to at least hear him and what he was singing.
He brought his band, the big day, they finally had an audition. This would be the big break they all needed so badly.
Well, of course Johnny had thought they were fantastic, they had played in clubs, people liked them. Johnny was charismatic and people enjoyed listening to him. So, he felt sure it was just a question of getting the right person to hear him.
So, they launched into their first number, a traditional gospel song. The man's face fell. He stared at Johnny, bored to death. He tried to continue singing, but the man cut him short.
Johnny was dumbfounded. What was wrong?
"Is that all you've got?" said the man. "This religious dribble plays all over the radio all the time, I can't sell this" said the man. "Why don't you sing your own stuff?"
"Well, sir" said Johnny, "you see, I believe in Jesus, and I want to sing his message."
The man just continued to stare at him.
Finally he said to Johnny "you say you believe in Jesus, that this music is for him, that you want to sing and make the world know of his mercy. Well, let me tell you that nothing you are singing would convince one single person. It's like dishwater. Boring. No life, no soul. You don't even sound like you mean it yourself."
Then he said the most powerful thing of all.
"Johnny, if this was your last day on Earth, if this was the last song you were ever going to sing, if you knew, that the moment you walked out that door, you would be hit by a truck and killed, and this was your last chance to tell everyone what your Jesus means to you, how would you sing?"
Well, that did it. Johnny got the message. He refocused. He thought about what that man had said, and what Jesus did mean to him. He thought about how it might be his last song.
Then, he began again, this time, he sang a song with depth, with soul, with feeling, with meaning.
(he got the record contract and the rest is of course history)
That incident really impressed me.
How much different would our efforts for Krishna be, if we put our whole heart and soul into them?
How much would we say and do for Krishna, if we wanted to tell the whole world how wonderful He is, and how much He has affected our lives?
What would we say, what would we do? How would we say it? How would we do it?
What if we knew, today, that this was the last day of our lives, and that whatever service we did for Krishna was the last thing we would ever do in this lifetime to express our devotion, our gratitude, our faith?
What if this was the last chance we would ever have to show others what it means to devote yourself to Krishna?
This movie about his life told the story of the event that occurred that changed him from being just another mediocre gospel singer, one of thousands, into the legend that he became.
He was a musician, he had talent. He was singing gospel songs. Songs about faith, songs about Jesus. But he was broke, and had a wife to support, and was getting no where. So, he decided to put more effort into trying to sell his songs, and get them made into records.
He went to a record producer, trying to interest him in making a record. He was very persistent, and practically refused to accept the man saying no to hearing him sing. He convinced his way into the man's recording studio through sheer determination. The man agreed to at least hear him and what he was singing.
He brought his band, the big day, they finally had an audition. This would be the big break they all needed so badly.
Well, of course Johnny had thought they were fantastic, they had played in clubs, people liked them. Johnny was charismatic and people enjoyed listening to him. So, he felt sure it was just a question of getting the right person to hear him.
So, they launched into their first number, a traditional gospel song. The man's face fell. He stared at Johnny, bored to death. He tried to continue singing, but the man cut him short.
Johnny was dumbfounded. What was wrong?
"Is that all you've got?" said the man. "This religious dribble plays all over the radio all the time, I can't sell this" said the man. "Why don't you sing your own stuff?"
"Well, sir" said Johnny, "you see, I believe in Jesus, and I want to sing his message."
The man just continued to stare at him.
Finally he said to Johnny "you say you believe in Jesus, that this music is for him, that you want to sing and make the world know of his mercy. Well, let me tell you that nothing you are singing would convince one single person. It's like dishwater. Boring. No life, no soul. You don't even sound like you mean it yourself."
Then he said the most powerful thing of all.
"Johnny, if this was your last day on Earth, if this was the last song you were ever going to sing, if you knew, that the moment you walked out that door, you would be hit by a truck and killed, and this was your last chance to tell everyone what your Jesus means to you, how would you sing?"
Well, that did it. Johnny got the message. He refocused. He thought about what that man had said, and what Jesus did mean to him. He thought about how it might be his last song.
Then, he began again, this time, he sang a song with depth, with soul, with feeling, with meaning.
(he got the record contract and the rest is of course history)
That incident really impressed me.
How much different would our efforts for Krishna be, if we put our whole heart and soul into them?
How much would we say and do for Krishna, if we wanted to tell the whole world how wonderful He is, and how much He has affected our lives?
What would we say, what would we do? How would we say it? How would we do it?
What if we knew, today, that this was the last day of our lives, and that whatever service we did for Krishna was the last thing we would ever do in this lifetime to express our devotion, our gratitude, our faith?
What if this was the last chance we would ever have to show others what it means to devote yourself to Krishna?
Sunday, June 22, 2008
The Greatness of Krishna
"It is not possible to comprehend the greatness of Kṛṣṇa and His opulences. The senses of the individual soul are limited and do not permit him to understand the totality of Kṛṣṇa's affairs. Still the devotees try to understand Kṛṣṇa, but not on the principle that they will be able to understand Kṛṣṇa fully at any specific time or in any state of life. Rather, the very topics of Kṛṣṇa are so relishable that they appear to the devotees as nectar. Thus the devotees enjoy them. In discussing Kṛṣṇa's opulences and His diverse energies, the pure devotees take transcendental pleasure. Therefore they want to hear and discuss them. Kṛṣṇa knows that living entities do not understand the extent of His opulences; He therefore agrees to state only the principal manifestations of His different energies. The word prādhānyataḥ ("principal") is very important because we can understand only a few of the principal details of the Supreme Lord, for His features are unlimited. It is not possible to understand them all. And vibhūti, as used in this verse, refers to the opulences by which He controls the whole manifestation. In the Amara-kośa dictionary it is stated that vibhūti indicates an exceptional opulence."
Srila Prabhupad, Bhagavad Gita purport - 10.19
Srila Prabhupad, Bhagavad Gita purport - 10.19
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Choices
The only thing that ever actually belongs to any of us is our free will.
Free will means making choices. We always have choices about everything.
We chose what we do, what we think, how we spend out time, who we spend our time with. We chose what things to put our energy into, and what things are a waste of our time.
All of our lives are these constant choices.
Sometimes people get into a state of mind where they forget that they are constantly making choices. They say "well, I had no choice" .... usually followed by "therefore I had to" .... such and such.
But really, there is always a choice. Maybe it's not the choice we think we can make, or the choice we would rather be making, but we're making some kind of choice, always.
I remember when my children were little, and I was trying to figure out how to manage all the discipline that children need in a constructive way. Well, I read a book that recommended giving the child choices between two good alternatives, both of which you could live with.
For example "would you rather do your homework now, or would you rather do it after dinner" etc...
This was so that the child felt in control of their life, and also gave them some training in this important life lesson of how to make choices.
When people cannot make choices, they feel helpless, out of control. Same thing when they think they don't have choices. I would imagine that's because our free will and therefore choices are such an integral part of the soul itself.
I remember a long time ago, reading about someone who was going to be executed in Nazi Germany. Well, they had taken every single thing he had away from him, one thing at a time. He still, at the end, in front of the firing squad,had his wedding band, then they took that away. He thought to himself, well, they have taken everything I have, now they will also take my life, but they can't take away how I chose to think and feel about this. They can't take away how I chose to face death. So he stood bravely and faced the firing squad without fear.
These are mundane examples of course, but they help when people feel certain that they have no choice about something. There is always some kind of choice and even in the most extreme circumstances, you can at the very least chose your behavior and your thoughts.
So, in this way, we are constantly, at every moment being given the choice of how to think, how to behave, what to do with our lives, second by second.
The best choice is always whatever brings you closer to Krishna. If you get used to making the choices that make you more aligned with the desires of Srila Prabhupad and Krishna, then your choices will always benefit you, no matter how they may look to others from the material level.
They will also be for the ultimate good of everyone else also, though it may not always appear that way. Being harmonious with the desires and plans of Krishna is good for everyone.
Hare Krishna
Free will means making choices. We always have choices about everything.
We chose what we do, what we think, how we spend out time, who we spend our time with. We chose what things to put our energy into, and what things are a waste of our time.
All of our lives are these constant choices.
Sometimes people get into a state of mind where they forget that they are constantly making choices. They say "well, I had no choice" .... usually followed by "therefore I had to" .... such and such.
But really, there is always a choice. Maybe it's not the choice we think we can make, or the choice we would rather be making, but we're making some kind of choice, always.
I remember when my children were little, and I was trying to figure out how to manage all the discipline that children need in a constructive way. Well, I read a book that recommended giving the child choices between two good alternatives, both of which you could live with.
For example "would you rather do your homework now, or would you rather do it after dinner" etc...
This was so that the child felt in control of their life, and also gave them some training in this important life lesson of how to make choices.
When people cannot make choices, they feel helpless, out of control. Same thing when they think they don't have choices. I would imagine that's because our free will and therefore choices are such an integral part of the soul itself.
I remember a long time ago, reading about someone who was going to be executed in Nazi Germany. Well, they had taken every single thing he had away from him, one thing at a time. He still, at the end, in front of the firing squad,had his wedding band, then they took that away. He thought to himself, well, they have taken everything I have, now they will also take my life, but they can't take away how I chose to think and feel about this. They can't take away how I chose to face death. So he stood bravely and faced the firing squad without fear.
These are mundane examples of course, but they help when people feel certain that they have no choice about something. There is always some kind of choice and even in the most extreme circumstances, you can at the very least chose your behavior and your thoughts.
So, in this way, we are constantly, at every moment being given the choice of how to think, how to behave, what to do with our lives, second by second.
The best choice is always whatever brings you closer to Krishna. If you get used to making the choices that make you more aligned with the desires of Srila Prabhupad and Krishna, then your choices will always benefit you, no matter how they may look to others from the material level.
They will also be for the ultimate good of everyone else also, though it may not always appear that way. Being harmonious with the desires and plans of Krishna is good for everyone.
Hare Krishna
Friday, June 13, 2008
Being With Srila Prabhupad
A lot of people ask me to tell them something about what it was like to be with Srila Prabhupad. They say things like "oh, I wish I could have had the chance to meet him", "I wish I could have had the chance to be with him".
This really bewilders me. I just don't understand this.
Every day, almost all day long, I am with Srila Prabhupad. They could be too. I guess they just don't realize it. I try to tell them, but they don't seem to understand what I'm saying.
Srila Prabhupad is not his body, any more than any of us are our bodies. So, his physical presence is not "him".
He is his message, his instructions.
If you want to be with Srila Prabhupad, all you have to do is put on a lecture CD, of which they are hundreds, and sit down and listen. Close your eyes if you want and imagine you are in that room, at that time. There you go, you are with Srila Prabhupad. If you want to see what he looks like while he says the things you are listening to, then watch a video of him and you will know.
Everyone can be with Srila Prabhupad, and the mercy of his association is in the words he says, and the words he writes.
To think you have missed the chance to associate with Srila Prabhupad, just because his material body is not existing anymore is a very limited concept to place on such an amazing Pure Devotee as Srila Prabhupad.
When he was literally present on this planet, in his material body, many thousands of persons came into contact with him, but that did not make them instantly turn into devotees. Only those who could hear and understand and accept his message, his instructions, became devotees.
I'm not saying that there was nothing special or different about coming into direct contact with him (meaning soul) while he was in his physical body and having the wonderful opportunity to be there with him. There was. Still, the most special and wonderful thing about Srila Prabhupad, the lasting gift of his mercy, is contained in his teachings, his books, his lectures, his kirtans.
Those things are available 48 hours a day, 7 days a week, to anyone who wants to take advantage of them.
In fact, it's even easier now than it was when he was on the planet, because of all the lectures being made into CD format, the advance of technology, the surfacing of so many videos, etc... anyone, anywhere, can always be with Srila Prabhupad.
It's only a matter of perception and understanding.
This really bewilders me. I just don't understand this.
Every day, almost all day long, I am with Srila Prabhupad. They could be too. I guess they just don't realize it. I try to tell them, but they don't seem to understand what I'm saying.
Srila Prabhupad is not his body, any more than any of us are our bodies. So, his physical presence is not "him".
He is his message, his instructions.
If you want to be with Srila Prabhupad, all you have to do is put on a lecture CD, of which they are hundreds, and sit down and listen. Close your eyes if you want and imagine you are in that room, at that time. There you go, you are with Srila Prabhupad. If you want to see what he looks like while he says the things you are listening to, then watch a video of him and you will know.
Everyone can be with Srila Prabhupad, and the mercy of his association is in the words he says, and the words he writes.
To think you have missed the chance to associate with Srila Prabhupad, just because his material body is not existing anymore is a very limited concept to place on such an amazing Pure Devotee as Srila Prabhupad.
When he was literally present on this planet, in his material body, many thousands of persons came into contact with him, but that did not make them instantly turn into devotees. Only those who could hear and understand and accept his message, his instructions, became devotees.
I'm not saying that there was nothing special or different about coming into direct contact with him (meaning soul) while he was in his physical body and having the wonderful opportunity to be there with him. There was. Still, the most special and wonderful thing about Srila Prabhupad, the lasting gift of his mercy, is contained in his teachings, his books, his lectures, his kirtans.
Those things are available 48 hours a day, 7 days a week, to anyone who wants to take advantage of them.
In fact, it's even easier now than it was when he was on the planet, because of all the lectures being made into CD format, the advance of technology, the surfacing of so many videos, etc... anyone, anywhere, can always be with Srila Prabhupad.
It's only a matter of perception and understanding.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Breaking The Fever
Getting free from negative influences in spiritual life to me is just like breaking a fever.
These things can be so subtle and insidious that we don't even notice them at first. Just like if you have a low-grade fever. Well, you may not even know it at first, you just feel tired, run down, not functioning at your best level.
After a while of this, you begin to notice that you feel bad, you feel sick, things are just not right.
It's the same way with spiritual life. Negative influences can drain your spiritual energy, sapping the life force out of your devotional existence. You may not notice it at first, or you may not realize what the problem is, but you are beginning to suffer from these negative influences. Your spiritual life is sick.
When you finally realize that are actually ill spiritually, and you discover the reason for your illness and remove that negative influence from your life, it's like a fever breaking.
That's the turning point. You may still be weak, run down, and it will take time to recover to your normal state, but you are getting better.
Staying aware of these kinds of insidious negative influences is really important. They come in all kinds of forms and can be very subtle and tricky (just like Maya is).
They make you sick, and the sooner you realize this, and remove this negative influence from your life, the sooner the fever breaks, and you can get back to having a healthy spiritual life again.
These things can be so subtle and insidious that we don't even notice them at first. Just like if you have a low-grade fever. Well, you may not even know it at first, you just feel tired, run down, not functioning at your best level.
After a while of this, you begin to notice that you feel bad, you feel sick, things are just not right.
It's the same way with spiritual life. Negative influences can drain your spiritual energy, sapping the life force out of your devotional existence. You may not notice it at first, or you may not realize what the problem is, but you are beginning to suffer from these negative influences. Your spiritual life is sick.
When you finally realize that are actually ill spiritually, and you discover the reason for your illness and remove that negative influence from your life, it's like a fever breaking.
That's the turning point. You may still be weak, run down, and it will take time to recover to your normal state, but you are getting better.
Staying aware of these kinds of insidious negative influences is really important. They come in all kinds of forms and can be very subtle and tricky (just like Maya is).
They make you sick, and the sooner you realize this, and remove this negative influence from your life, the sooner the fever breaks, and you can get back to having a healthy spiritual life again.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Inspiration & Encouragement
Sometimes inspiration and encouragement comes from the most unlikely sources. It helps me stay open to all these sources if I remember that actually inspiration and encouragement is coming from Krishna, and so how would I know what form He's going to send it in?
For example, someone posted a story on Krishna.com "Connect" in the forums there. Normally I have no attraction to, or interest in, reading long drawn out stories that have some ultimate spiritual point. This story seemed like that kind. I mean, it wasn't from scripture, it was just a story with a point.
So, I saw the story and didn't really want to read it, but I like to pay attention to the things people post there, so I read it. I was very surprised, because as I read it, I realized it was addressing the exact issue I was trying to deal with in my own way. Not that the story stated my issue, but it could be very easily applied to what I had been struggling with.
I was really inspired and encouraged after reading it. Just this simple story, but I could see Krishna's hand in the fact that it was posted there, and I was reading it.
If I had not kept an open mind about reading those sort of things, and an open mind in general about various sources of inspiration, I would have missed this very valuable message from Krishna entirely.
For example, someone posted a story on Krishna.com "Connect" in the forums there. Normally I have no attraction to, or interest in, reading long drawn out stories that have some ultimate spiritual point. This story seemed like that kind. I mean, it wasn't from scripture, it was just a story with a point.
So, I saw the story and didn't really want to read it, but I like to pay attention to the things people post there, so I read it. I was very surprised, because as I read it, I realized it was addressing the exact issue I was trying to deal with in my own way. Not that the story stated my issue, but it could be very easily applied to what I had been struggling with.
I was really inspired and encouraged after reading it. Just this simple story, but I could see Krishna's hand in the fact that it was posted there, and I was reading it.
If I had not kept an open mind about reading those sort of things, and an open mind in general about various sources of inspiration, I would have missed this very valuable message from Krishna entirely.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Krishna's Parrot Couple
"When Nārada Muni was passing through Vṛndāvana, he came to the Bhāṇḍīravana forest and saw in one of the trees the famous parrot couple that always accompanies Lord Kṛṣṇa. The couple was imitating some discussion they had heard upon the Vedānta philosophy, and thus were seemingly arguing upon various philosophical points. Upon seeing this, Nārada Muni was struck with wonder, and he began to stare without moving his eyelids. This is an example of anurasa, or imitation."
Nectar of Devotion, Chapter 51
I think this is such a lovely story, it makes me smile. Imagine this little parrot couple, that always accompanies Lord Krishna, sitting there in the tree and appearing to discuss Vedanta philosophy together. Then, Narada Muni passes by and sees them, and is struck with wonder at seeing this.
:)
Nectar of Devotion, Chapter 51
I think this is such a lovely story, it makes me smile. Imagine this little parrot couple, that always accompanies Lord Krishna, sitting there in the tree and appearing to discuss Vedanta philosophy together. Then, Narada Muni passes by and sees them, and is struck with wonder at seeing this.
:)
Monday, June 2, 2008
Tulasi Beads and Tilak
"In the Padma Purāṇa there is a statement describing how a Vaiṣṇava should decorate his body with tilaka and beads: "Persons who put tulasī beads on the neck, who mark twelve places of their bodies as Viṣṇu temples with Viṣṇu's symbolic representations [the four items held in the four hands of Lord Viṣṇu — conch, mace, disc and lotus], and who have viṣṇu-tilaka on their foreheads, are to be understood as the devotees of Lord Viṣṇu in this world. Their presence makes the world purified, and anywhere they remain, they make that place as good as Vaikuṇṭha."
A similar statement is in the Skanda Purāṇa, which says, "Persons who are decorated with tilaka or gopī-candana [a kind of clay resembling fuller's earth which is produced in certain quarters of Vṛndāvana], and who mark their bodies all over with the holy names of the Lord, and on whose necks and breasts there are tulasī beads, are never approached by the Yamadūtas." The Yamadūtas are the constables of King Yama (the lord of death), who punishes all sinful men. Vaiṣṇavas are never called for by such constables of Yamarāja. In the Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam, in the narration of Ajāmila's deliverance, it is said that Yamarāja gave clear instructions to his assistants not to approach the Vaiṣṇavas. Vaiṣṇavas are beyond the jurisdiction of Yamarāja's activities."
Nectar of Devotion, Chapter 9
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Growing Up
It's funny to think of someone my age (51) talking about growing up in relation to myself. I thought I was grown up, done growing up.
Recently though, I've realized so many ways that I have not grown up, not in a spiritual sense anyway.
There were so many tests, and difficulties to endure, in the early days of the movement, and I was so young, (starting in 1970 at the age of 13) I just really couldn't understand so much.
I understood about surrender, and accepting the will of Krishna, and serving Srila Prabhupad, and engaging in devotional service, those kinds of things.
What I didn't understand was all the aspects of the person I needed to become. I didn't understand individuality. I didn't understand different ways that people from different backgrounds, and levels of consciousness behaved. I didn't understand my own level of consciousness and my own behavior.
Well, I thought surely I'd be a pure devotee by the time I was 25. Yes, I really, truly did. How could I not? I was doing all the required things, following everything strictly, giving my entire life and self to Krishna, so surely.... 12 years when you are young seems like a very, very long time.
Well, of course that did not happen, and by the time I was 25, what I really found was that I had far more to work on in myself spiritually than I had ever even dreamed.
Some of the tests I faced at that age, I just could not comprehend how to cope with. I could not deal with them. I hid from them because I could find no way to work through it all.
Because of the hiding, and the avoiding of these tests, I did not grow as much spiritually, I did not grow up.
Later, I realized that these tests could not be hidden from or avoided if I wanted to grow up, if I wanted to become the actual help and assistant to Srila Prabhupad that I always wanted to be.
So, I had to start working harder at all these things. Stop hiding, stop turning a blind eye to the tests in front of me.
It's really hard work, and I certainly struggle. I doubt there is much of anyone who is seriously growing spiritually who doesn't face struggles.
There is such reward in the progress though, I feel so happy and thrilled and excited and encouraged every time I can see that I had dealt successfully with another test, and I have grown spiritually. I'm a little stronger, a little more committed, a little clearer, and mostly, I feel Srila Prabhupad and Krishna with me a little more.
Or, in the case of the recent large test I have been through, a LOT more.
All Glories To Srila Prabhupad
Jaya Sri Krishna
Recently though, I've realized so many ways that I have not grown up, not in a spiritual sense anyway.
There were so many tests, and difficulties to endure, in the early days of the movement, and I was so young, (starting in 1970 at the age of 13) I just really couldn't understand so much.
I understood about surrender, and accepting the will of Krishna, and serving Srila Prabhupad, and engaging in devotional service, those kinds of things.
What I didn't understand was all the aspects of the person I needed to become. I didn't understand individuality. I didn't understand different ways that people from different backgrounds, and levels of consciousness behaved. I didn't understand my own level of consciousness and my own behavior.
Well, I thought surely I'd be a pure devotee by the time I was 25. Yes, I really, truly did. How could I not? I was doing all the required things, following everything strictly, giving my entire life and self to Krishna, so surely.... 12 years when you are young seems like a very, very long time.
Well, of course that did not happen, and by the time I was 25, what I really found was that I had far more to work on in myself spiritually than I had ever even dreamed.
Some of the tests I faced at that age, I just could not comprehend how to cope with. I could not deal with them. I hid from them because I could find no way to work through it all.
Because of the hiding, and the avoiding of these tests, I did not grow as much spiritually, I did not grow up.
Later, I realized that these tests could not be hidden from or avoided if I wanted to grow up, if I wanted to become the actual help and assistant to Srila Prabhupad that I always wanted to be.
So, I had to start working harder at all these things. Stop hiding, stop turning a blind eye to the tests in front of me.
It's really hard work, and I certainly struggle. I doubt there is much of anyone who is seriously growing spiritually who doesn't face struggles.
There is such reward in the progress though, I feel so happy and thrilled and excited and encouraged every time I can see that I had dealt successfully with another test, and I have grown spiritually. I'm a little stronger, a little more committed, a little clearer, and mostly, I feel Srila Prabhupad and Krishna with me a little more.
Or, in the case of the recent large test I have been through, a LOT more.
All Glories To Srila Prabhupad
Jaya Sri Krishna
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